With

Scream 4

      aiming to slash box office records on

April 14th

      , I figured I would address something that has boggled my mind since I was a mere 12 year old “Scream Queen” wannabe: Why is there a lack of gays in the horror genre? You would think that with giving socialites like

Paris Hilton

      or behind the scenes terrors like

Katherine Heigl

      , horror directors would give us a shot at sheer bliss. When I won Homecoming King in High School, why wasn’t I doused in

pig’s blood

    by frenemies? Why didn’t Samara make like Willow Smith and whip her hair through my TV screen? Well, it’s clear that regardless of how many gays have graced screens with Jamie Lee Curtis and her kin, us queer folk wouldn’t stand a chance against the Freddy Kruegers and Jasons that make us toss and turn in the night.

  1. BRB: We ain’t got THE TIME to be dilly dallying with anyone other than ourselves for a majority of the time, especially if you’re a Manhattanite. You don’t have time to waste answering somebody on OkCupid let alone picking up the phone to reply with your favorite scary movie title. A night out at Rockit also can lead you into the danger zone when you and your friends split up, think about what doing this would cause in a horror movie. With the tendency to text “BRB” or tell the overbearing stage-five clinger at the bar “I’ll be right back,” it’s clear you won’t be back…ever.
  2. Cleavage: American Apparel has made it far too easy to share our love of cleavage and sheer club-wear with the masses. Without any rain or film set theatrics, we can look just like Jessica Biel in “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” without even trying. With our metaphoric tig ol’ bitties out to play we’re gonna end up easy prey.
  3. Taxi!: Let’s face it, with Manhattan being the city of far too much convenience and with MTA’s lack of success underground, late night cab rides are essential. Whether you’re hopping in to face the latest version of Taxicab Confessions, embarking on a joy ride with The Bone Collector or heading home with a mass murderer, you’re consistently taking a risk every time you think staying until the bar closes is a good idea.
  4. We don’t do PG-13 Relationships: Hello, Grindr generation I’m talking to you. With your consistent need to stay in touch with your hookup buddies from yesterday through yesteryear, it’s clear that thinking with your penis only aids in your demise. Did I forget to mention that those grindr noises invade the cluuuurbs thumping beats let alone when you’re hiding under the bed or in a closet? Advice to you glory-hole lurkers: if you haven’t seen “Scream 2“ or it’s spoof in “Scary Movie”, I advise you keep your eyes and ears far away from bathroom stall walls. We’re in the community where D&A isn’t an option anymore, I mean how else will you gain Twitter followers….amirite?
  5. Ignance is bliss: Few of our dates actually keep their eyes open in the movie theaters let alone have knowledge of how to survive a horror movie, which leads me to believe that their knowledge of the genre will have their heads served on a platter. Keep your eyes peeled, your pepper spray (or Sephora sample, either or) ready on your way through the parking lot because at this rate you can’t rely on too much. Not even a week trip to David Barton can save you or your gun show now.
  6. Birthday Girl: Stop celebrating any anniversary, birthday or holiday if you know what’s good for you. An ex of mine absolutely hates the Christmas season, Halloween AND Valentine’s Day, I won’t lie when I say “I don’t blame him.” It’s a known thing that the gay community finds any which way they can to celebrate themselves, life, unity, gay sex and the like, but wake up and smell the corn syrup! Was it fun going to the middle school dance in your husky boy dungaroos and your L.A. Looks slicked hair? Nope. New Orleans’ Mardi Gras doesn’t sound like a good idea after seeing “Hatchet” and “Hostel” made it clear that Europe will never be the answer to your college spring break, horny boy needs. Will it be fun going to Gay Pride to only get gutted in any alley as the parade strolls on by? I didn’t think so. Roses are red, violets are blue, stick to my rules or you’ll get covered in goo.
  7. Quick Fix: Never learned how to pump your own gas or change a tire? Never mind, this is self-explanatory and I answered this myself. We’re all far too absent minded to even check the back seat of the car let alone know how to get the engine goin’.
  8. Cash4Gold: Sucky sucky two dolla! In all honesty, it’s hard to maintain the “lives we live” in the city and money is so easy to burn when you have Intermezzo drunch on Saturdays with Miss Logan Hardcore. What’s a guy to do? Babysitters, retail employees, college R.A.‘s, future stock brokers of America and even the live-in houseboys all are subject to die under the eyes of horror directors. The killer is either calling from inside the house, grinding his meat hook at the house next door or driving in his limousine looking to get his wire-hanger ready. Be prepared and don’t always think with your wallet or hunt on Craiglist. This recession couldn’t have come at a worse time…
  9. The Three S’s (Skeptical, Sardonic & Self-Obsessed): Whether you’re quoting “Mean Girls” for the 100th time or tossing out your next one liner, your sarcasm may work for you in the daylight but as soon as night falls you’re “stupidity leak” lollipop smacks will only cause you harm. If you have trust issues from your past, it’s time to get yourself into some therapy sessions or the past with begin to haunt you. Skeptics be damned, as much as you like to believe that playing it safe and putting a ruler between you and your friends like you’re at a Sadie Hawkins Dance is a good idea, you’re only going to end up alone. And another thing: we get it you’re pretty, but no matter where you can find your reflection, a gay won’t survive because he is too busy worrying about his appearance. Vanity can easily cause death, especially when the Candyman is lurking in your mirror and there are killer bee’s ready to stab your perfect mug with their stingers. Plus I’m sure there is some sick freak out there who can use your milky flesh for a coat, just remember to put the lotion in the basket and nobody gets hurt.
  10. Tans & Tankinis!: Keep your junk in the trunk covered and on land speedo lovers! As previously stated, nature is not very kind to us what with bloodsucking mosquitos, Betty White bred crocodiles and Great White Sharks with sharper teeth than your high school ex-girlfriend. Summer is approaching and it’s a known thing that your tight, toned (or semi-toned) bodies want to frolic about the sand with your man and that’s perfectly ok! I’d tell you to stay on the sand and your hair salt-water free, but you won’t listen. You’ll end up skinny dipping in the lake and end up doggy-chow for some yeti-beast other than Gina Gershon. The hot weather is also known for it’s wonderful displays of hospitality from your coupled friends and their neighbors, meaning prime times for Queerbeque’s and finger foods. Fun and games do ensue, but do yourself a favor and steer clear of the garage for a quick pick me up and always have a sober sister in the front wheel.

Rebuttal:

  1. Cardio Queens: Unlike Drew Barrymore, Buffy, Party Girl Nation and the other bimbos that grace the screens before them, a majority of us kill it at the gym. Lip-syncing for your life on the treadmill like you belong on “RuPaul’s Drag Race” does have it’s advantages. Our biggest strength against any cold-blooded killer is our ability to out run them….just steer clear of dark alleys, rooftops or basements and you’re good to go.
  2. Mommie Dearest: Does your boyfriend complain about how you’re consistently on the phone with your mother? Do you find yourself cooking her meals when you’re home and dropping plans to spend quality time with her? So what! Listen Norman Bates, you have got it going on and keep your mouth feeding because sometime’s mother’s love can keep you in the clear. Billy Loomis’ mom (or Aunt Jackie, rather), Jason’s mom, even the smoking hot Rebecca DeMornay in the upcoming Mother’s Day reboot all keep their offspring locked up in their Orphan-Annie locket with their weapons sharp and ready.
  3. My Head Only Sleeps Under 4 Stars: Nature? Please. This bitch refuses to sleep under anything unless there is q-u-a-l-i-t-y over his head and a high thread count. Not only will I avoid your small hick town but I will also avoid: 1. man-eating flesh diseases, 2. psychotic hillbillies, 3. cannibalistic  inbreds, 4. poor fashion choices, 5. Lindsay Lohan, 6. snakes that weren’t featured on the VMA’s, 7. rejected hockey players, 8. illegitimate ghost babies, 9. the Blair Witch (we see enough of her sister hanging out with Manhattan’s elite) & 10. Johnny Depp’s worst hair days.
  4. Twinky Tunage: Have you ever heard a horror movie soundtrack? Of course not. They are filled with rock duds and geared towards middle-America who OWN the box office. We are lucky and fortunate enough to have an Itunes stocked full of Billboard’s Dance 100 and their predecessors. Keep those creepy piano chords out of your eardrums and you’ll steer clear of bloody eardrums.
  5. Cancelled Cablevision: Some of us poorer city folk may not have the flatscreen TV’s hung up on the walls, which work in our advantage when in the final battle for survival. Thanks to Netflix Instant streaming and Itunes, we can watch TV and catch up on the venomous housewives of BravoTV online, catch up on our scary movie trivia and keep our faces clear of danger. Also, who pops JiffyPop anymore? Thank god we only eat carbs once a week, hardly EVER binge eat and avoid the stove…

Worst case scenario? Just befriend the Bitches of Eastwick in your high school and they’ll have your back for life.

Be sure to check out the recent Entertainment Weekly article that covers Scream 4 and the challenges Wes Craven faced while rebooting the multi-billion dollar franchise.

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2 Responses to 10 Reasons Why Gays Wouldn’t Survive A Horror Movie

  1. Blithe says:

    hehe… this is an awesome idea! :(

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